Thoughts

My Facebook newsfeed is abuzz with the news that a woman with whom I went to college lost her three year old son today to a brain injury. My heart has been heavy tonight as I think of her and her family. I'm reminded of how we are not guaranteed tomorrow with our children. I've been thinking of the future of my life with Burkley, of his life and the boy/man he will become, should God allow him to grow old. I've been slowly grieving his growing out of teeny-babyness for the past week or so anyway, so all of these thoughts have been tumbling around my heart and head for awhile now. Today's news has prompted me to write them down before life's busyness makes me forget these precious moments.


My sweet baby, my Sugarbear,  Honeybear.
What does the future hold?
We do not know.
Today at the library, the librarian asked me if you had a favorite color yet.
I chuckled, but I wonder, do you?
If not yet, what will your favorite color be?
What games will you like?
What music will you like?
What instrument will you play --we get asked that often-- ?
What sports will you like?
Will you like to read?
Will you like to help Daddy in his workshop?
Will you like to help Mommy cook and make crafts?
Will you like art?
What will you want to be when you grow up?
What will you actually be when you grow up?
Will they be the same thing?
Are we teaching you to follow your dreams?
Are we equipping you to be able to do so?
Will you love Jesus?

So many things are unknown to us. 
Yet,  I feel like I know you so intimately.
I know when you're going to be hungry, when you're going to be sleepy, when you're going to wake up, and I'm even learning when you're going to need to go to potty/poop.
I know how to hold you when you're sad, I know how to rock you to sleep.
I know how to make you laugh and how to get a smile out of you.
There are so many things I know about you.


I'm so excited to play with you, to teach you, to sing with you, to dance with you, to goof around with you, to cry with you, to grow with you, and to learn with you.
You bring me joy every day, all day.
I look forward to when you wake up from your naps, just because of the smile you give me when I come get you.
When I come into a room, the joy that fills your face fills my heart with gladness.

Yet, you are gradually growing into your own person.
You like to interact with others and play with toys.
You don't need me by your side for everything.
The other day I rocked you to sleep, but I couldn't put you down.
My heart was so filled with love for you, I didn't want the moment to end.
"So," I thought, "I'll just hold you."
I carried you downstairs so I could get some things done while holding you asleep.
But, you woke up.
You looked at me, confused.
I knew I was being selfish- you needed a nap, but I wanted to hold you.
I went back upstairs to lay you down and leave you be.
You need to be independent from me in some ways already.
I wonder how I'll handle it when you really are ready to be away from me- to go play with a friend, to go to a lesson, to try something new. I know your independence grows out of a solid foundation of dependence on me, and I hope and pray that I can provide you with everything you need to succeed in life and to healthily bounce back from setbacks and failures.

I know the Lord has blessed me with you and while you are His, He has given me you for a moment.
I am responsible for this gift. A true gift.
What will I have to show for what I've been given?
You.
My pride and joy.  
My son.