I've been wanting to write this post for awhile but I'm so paranoid about it offending someone or it being seen as petty and ridiculous. But, I have to remind myself that this blog serves as a place for me to share my honest thoughts, for my own posterity, and for the off-chance that I might connect with someone else regarding something I write here.
So, here goes.
I HATE that we use a pacifier. I hate it!
Why am I talking about the paci during World Breastfeeding Week, you may ask? Because, we started using the paci due to some of our breastfeeding issues with Cadriel. Our paci use is directly linked to breastfeeding.
When I was pregnant with C, I decided we weren't going to use a paci. We used it sparingly with B and it all turned out great and at eleven months he chose to not use it anymore. So, it's not like we had a bad experience with it. I do sometimes (shallow, I know) feel like it's "un-crunchy" or something to use one and I hate that I even think that. Everything "natural" that I read says to avoid pacifiers like the plague. I teach and preach "No pacifiers!" in our childbirth classes and the breastfeeding classes I lead.
And yet, at about 3 weeks of age, we started using one with Cadriel. I have a bit of oversupply (nothing major) -- enough to make for some problems when nursing a wee newborn who wants to suckle for comfort. I wanted to meet all of Cadriel's sucking-reflexes at the breast, not with a piece of plastic. Yes, I know there's nothing wrong with a pacifier, inherently. Babiess do have a sucking-need and we can't (or don't want) to be sucked on ALL the time as mamas. Yet, I was going to try and see what happened.
Well, what happened was that his sucking led to my constant milk-flow. With a tiny babe like Burkley, that wouldn't have bothered me, in fact, I'd have welcomed it, urging him to grow and grow. But Cadriel was a big baby. Not that he didn't need milk, but I wasn't as concerned with him growing extra to make up for anything. So, he'd suckle as he wanted and my milk would keep flowing. Even when he wasn't hungry. Even when his belly was full. So what happened? Spit up. All. The. Time. I soon realized his comfort-suckling was leading to an overfull belly because my milk just kept flowing. So, one time after he was done eating, I popped in the paci. He took it eagerly and nuzzled in to sleep. Soon the habit formed (for both of us) and when he was done eating or my letdown slowed, he'd get angsty and riled up and if I popped in the paci, he'd just settle in, nuzzle me, and zonk out.
We also often use the paci in the Boba because otherwise he's burrowing his head into my chest looking for something to suck on.
I hate buying pacis. I hate having to keep track of them. I hate having them in the carseat, by the bed, in the diaper bag, on the living room floor. Somehow I feel like a failure as a "natural parent' when I give him the paci. I hate the way it makes me feel and the blow to my self-esteem it gives me.
Which is crappy! Especially because when I see other babies with pacis, I don't think of their mothers as "failures" or think they're ridiculous or going against what they've been taught or anything. I know they have a story and a reason they use it too. So why do I beat myself up about it? I have no idea.
Enough whining about the paci. It felt good to get that off my chest. Don't judge me for being petty and ridiculous. Instead, just enjoy this sweet pic of C nursing and B snuggling. :)
So, here goes.
I HATE that we use a pacifier. I hate it!
Why am I talking about the paci during World Breastfeeding Week, you may ask? Because, we started using the paci due to some of our breastfeeding issues with Cadriel. Our paci use is directly linked to breastfeeding.
When I was pregnant with C, I decided we weren't going to use a paci. We used it sparingly with B and it all turned out great and at eleven months he chose to not use it anymore. So, it's not like we had a bad experience with it. I do sometimes (shallow, I know) feel like it's "un-crunchy" or something to use one and I hate that I even think that. Everything "natural" that I read says to avoid pacifiers like the plague. I teach and preach "No pacifiers!" in our childbirth classes and the breastfeeding classes I lead.
And yet, at about 3 weeks of age, we started using one with Cadriel. I have a bit of oversupply (nothing major) -- enough to make for some problems when nursing a wee newborn who wants to suckle for comfort. I wanted to meet all of Cadriel's sucking-reflexes at the breast, not with a piece of plastic. Yes, I know there's nothing wrong with a pacifier, inherently. Babiess do have a sucking-need and we can't (or don't want) to be sucked on ALL the time as mamas. Yet, I was going to try and see what happened.
Well, what happened was that his sucking led to my constant milk-flow. With a tiny babe like Burkley, that wouldn't have bothered me, in fact, I'd have welcomed it, urging him to grow and grow. But Cadriel was a big baby. Not that he didn't need milk, but I wasn't as concerned with him growing extra to make up for anything. So, he'd suckle as he wanted and my milk would keep flowing. Even when he wasn't hungry. Even when his belly was full. So what happened? Spit up. All. The. Time. I soon realized his comfort-suckling was leading to an overfull belly because my milk just kept flowing. So, one time after he was done eating, I popped in the paci. He took it eagerly and nuzzled in to sleep. Soon the habit formed (for both of us) and when he was done eating or my letdown slowed, he'd get angsty and riled up and if I popped in the paci, he'd just settle in, nuzzle me, and zonk out.
We also often use the paci in the Boba because otherwise he's burrowing his head into my chest looking for something to suck on.I hate buying pacis. I hate having to keep track of them. I hate having them in the carseat, by the bed, in the diaper bag, on the living room floor. Somehow I feel like a failure as a "natural parent' when I give him the paci. I hate the way it makes me feel and the blow to my self-esteem it gives me.
Which is crappy! Especially because when I see other babies with pacis, I don't think of their mothers as "failures" or think they're ridiculous or going against what they've been taught or anything. I know they have a story and a reason they use it too. So why do I beat myself up about it? I have no idea.
Enough whining about the paci. It felt good to get that off my chest. Don't judge me for being petty and ridiculous. Instead, just enjoy this sweet pic of C nursing and B snuggling. :)
You don't sound petty at all in my opinion! Oh how I longed for my girls to accept the pacifier, but alas, they wanted nothing of it. Mason on the other hand, um, still uses his to fall asleep! Ugh.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Melissa! And that's true, I've heard the opposite too...that some people long for their kids to take a pacifier!
DeleteCadriel is a happy, healthy, beautiful baby! Don't beat yourself up. Just look at those two faces in the top picture. They are absolutely thinking, "She's the best mommy in the whole wide world!"
ReplyDeleteThank you!
DeleteI second what Daisy said!!!
ReplyDeleteYou are an awesome mama and Cadriel is an awesome, ridiculously happy baby! I think your feelings are totally valid since we talk so much about not using a paci and always nursing our babes when they need comfort. However, don't forget that EVERY mama and baby are different - even B & C are different, obviously! Remember when you didn't use a paci and he regurgitated every time you looked at him!? For C, a paci is what he needs. You're providing him with that need! All of that said, pacis DO suck to keep around! I remember constantly losing E's and having a back up EVERYWHERE. Totally sympathize with you there! <3
ReplyDeleteLOL, yes, it's true, he was a constant regurgitator until the paci arrived on the scene! Thanks for the encouragement!
DeleteSo w is a huge huge spitter upper, and after reading this I'm wondering if I over feed him?? He's growing we'll so he's obviously getting enough.... How do I know if I'm over feeding him and if I am, how do I know when to stop? Until I read your post I just dismissed it as him being a kid who spits up a lot..... But it seriously is a lot. What do you think? We bf and don't use a pack much. Not that there's anything wrong with that. :)
ReplyDeleteBy pack I meant paci- stupid auto correct.
ReplyDelete