You know the saying, "I was the perfect parent. And then I had kids." ?
Yeah, well, that's me.
As a teacher, my students were great: well-behaved, eager learners, even the "naughty ones" were no match for me! I connected with the kids and loved them fiercely and things (mostly) went smoothly. This was the same for my many babysitting relationships too. I figured the same would go for parenting.
Ha!
From the getgo, I wasn't one hundred percent sure what kind of parent I wanted to be. I knew we would practice "attachment parenting," but I had no idea how that translated itself into the world of discipline versus just the basic survival mode of infancy.
But now with an almost-three-years-old, we are the thick of parenting. My mom got me the Dr. Sears Discipline Book for my birthday, which I really like. I've been reading lots of other people's stories too and Marcus and I have been trying various things out and discussing and reflecting and trying to determine what works best for our kid in various situations. Though there is no "easy" answer, there are things we have found that do not and will not work for our family.
1. Physical punishment. This does not mean that we (I) don't slip up every now and again and hit Burkley (always out of anger and impulse, which I am not proud to say). This neither changes the behavior nor makes anyone feel loved or loving.
2. Belittling with words. Telling Burkley that he "bad" or making him feel unworthy because of the choice he has made is not effective whatsoever.
3. Unrealistic consequences. I've tried to be careful about what I threaten with, knowing that I should follow through on what I say will happen. But, I also strive to be honest and if I change my mind about a particular path of action, I'm allowed to admit that I messed up and change course immediately.
Recently I read an excellent blog post about kindness vs. obedience. Marcus and I read it together and had a great discussion about it. The premise is that we need to focus on our own obedience as parents rather than the obedience of our children. The Bible does not tell us "Parents, make your children obey." It says, "Children, obey your parents in the Lord." Am I spending time during my day obeying my Father or am I stressing out about making my kid obey ME? Usually, the latter. We are told to be loving. Love is patient and kind (this does not mean permissive) and keeps no record of wrongs. What kind of discipline do you know of that is patient, kind, and keeps no record of wrongs? Discipline that is not based on punishments, consequences, yelling, screaming, hitting, or belittling. Thankfully my Father does none of those things to me, and yet, I still do learn valuable life lessons from Him. He trains me. He teaches me. He loves me.
Trying to tackle this mindset and determine what it looks like is where I have trouble. Marcus reminded me that we can do everything right, but "without love I am only a resounding gong or clanging cymbal." (1 Cor 13:1). Man. I certainly don't want to be that. How loud and annoying is a resounding gong? When I hear one, I plug my ears, irritated by the over-stimulation (true story!). In band in college we played Fanfare for the Common Man. I wore earplugs. SO. LOUD. I don't want to be that to my child. How obnoxious. How irritating. How ineffective. How exasperating. Which, leads me to the command we are given about parenting in the Bible: "Do not exasperate your children or they will become discouraged." (Col 3:21).
So. Again, the question remains, but what does this look like? When I ask my child to do something and he doesn't do it, how much of that is my problem? Or how much of it is his problem- between him and God? We are to train our children (Prov 22:6) up in the Lord. But how much of "training" is gently guiding and how much is coercing them and forcing them to act in a certain way?
I told Marcus that I had this ideal scenario in my head for what my parenting would look like: my kids would have good manners, know how to read, and accept Christ as Savior all by age five (or something picture-perfect like that). Now I see how much pressure I was putting on myself (and my kids!) and how that scenario would mean I was placing my success as a parent heavily on my child's accomplishments. What do I really want? To have "no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth." (3 John 1:4). But how? What can I do?
For now, we've agreed that we will continuously model our relationship with Christ to our children. Marcus reminded me of the story of the prodigal son. What made that story so wonderful and great? That the father welcomed his son home with eager anticipation, excitement, and love. He did not go on to lecture his son about why his choices were poor and what he should've done. He didn't yell at him. He didn't hurt him. He simply loved him. And that spoke volumes. He lived by example. Which has to be our first priority as parents.
Which is why, like the blogger I was reading stated, kindness is not only more valued than obedience, kindness itself is obedience. We are called to be kind. If I am kind to my child, I am obeying. And that is modeling obedience.
We're still working on how this will all look in our family and how it will play out. I don't know yet what successes we'll see. But in the end, our son's behavior and choices and faith ALL have to be HIS choice. Not because he feels forced, scared he'll get in trouble, or any other such extrinsic motivator. The only way he will succeed in life (at being kind, having genuine faith, learning anything) will be because he wants to.
Dulce de Leche posted on Facebook awhile back a meme that says, "Do you have to spank her to teach her to write? Must you put him in time out for him to ride a bike? Do you need to take away privileges so that she will learn to feed herself? Of course not! So why do we believe that teaching children appropriate behavior requires punishment?" This has also really had me thinking a lot lately. Yes, punishment may make concepts learned more quickly, but will they be as effective? Will they be lessons held onto for life, with inner motivation versus the fear of messing up?
What do I really want for my child?
We are still only just beginning this journey and each new day and week brings us around a new bend on the hike of parenting. I'm so thankful I'm not on this journey alone. I've got an amazing partner-in-crime (hubby) and some great friends who are also navigating this journey and seeing where their families fit in the puzzle of parenting. One day at a time, and leaning on the Lord's guidance, we'll get there. Slowly but surely. I have faith.
Yeah, well, that's me.
As a teacher, my students were great: well-behaved, eager learners, even the "naughty ones" were no match for me! I connected with the kids and loved them fiercely and things (mostly) went smoothly. This was the same for my many babysitting relationships too. I figured the same would go for parenting.
Ha!
From the getgo, I wasn't one hundred percent sure what kind of parent I wanted to be. I knew we would practice "attachment parenting," but I had no idea how that translated itself into the world of discipline versus just the basic survival mode of infancy.
But now with an almost-three-years-old, we are the thick of parenting. My mom got me the Dr. Sears Discipline Book for my birthday, which I really like. I've been reading lots of other people's stories too and Marcus and I have been trying various things out and discussing and reflecting and trying to determine what works best for our kid in various situations. Though there is no "easy" answer, there are things we have found that do not and will not work for our family.
1. Physical punishment. This does not mean that we (I) don't slip up every now and again and hit Burkley (always out of anger and impulse, which I am not proud to say). This neither changes the behavior nor makes anyone feel loved or loving.
2. Belittling with words. Telling Burkley that he "bad" or making him feel unworthy because of the choice he has made is not effective whatsoever.
3. Unrealistic consequences. I've tried to be careful about what I threaten with, knowing that I should follow through on what I say will happen. But, I also strive to be honest and if I change my mind about a particular path of action, I'm allowed to admit that I messed up and change course immediately.
Recently I read an excellent blog post about kindness vs. obedience. Marcus and I read it together and had a great discussion about it. The premise is that we need to focus on our own obedience as parents rather than the obedience of our children. The Bible does not tell us "Parents, make your children obey." It says, "Children, obey your parents in the Lord." Am I spending time during my day obeying my Father or am I stressing out about making my kid obey ME? Usually, the latter. We are told to be loving. Love is patient and kind (this does not mean permissive) and keeps no record of wrongs. What kind of discipline do you know of that is patient, kind, and keeps no record of wrongs? Discipline that is not based on punishments, consequences, yelling, screaming, hitting, or belittling. Thankfully my Father does none of those things to me, and yet, I still do learn valuable life lessons from Him. He trains me. He teaches me. He loves me.
Trying to tackle this mindset and determine what it looks like is where I have trouble. Marcus reminded me that we can do everything right, but "without love I am only a resounding gong or clanging cymbal." (1 Cor 13:1). Man. I certainly don't want to be that. How loud and annoying is a resounding gong? When I hear one, I plug my ears, irritated by the over-stimulation (true story!). In band in college we played Fanfare for the Common Man. I wore earplugs. SO. LOUD. I don't want to be that to my child. How obnoxious. How irritating. How ineffective. How exasperating. Which, leads me to the command we are given about parenting in the Bible: "Do not exasperate your children or they will become discouraged." (Col 3:21).
So. Again, the question remains, but what does this look like? When I ask my child to do something and he doesn't do it, how much of that is my problem? Or how much of it is his problem- between him and God? We are to train our children (Prov 22:6) up in the Lord. But how much of "training" is gently guiding and how much is coercing them and forcing them to act in a certain way?
I told Marcus that I had this ideal scenario in my head for what my parenting would look like: my kids would have good manners, know how to read, and accept Christ as Savior all by age five (or something picture-perfect like that). Now I see how much pressure I was putting on myself (and my kids!) and how that scenario would mean I was placing my success as a parent heavily on my child's accomplishments. What do I really want? To have "no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth." (3 John 1:4). But how? What can I do?
For now, we've agreed that we will continuously model our relationship with Christ to our children. Marcus reminded me of the story of the prodigal son. What made that story so wonderful and great? That the father welcomed his son home with eager anticipation, excitement, and love. He did not go on to lecture his son about why his choices were poor and what he should've done. He didn't yell at him. He didn't hurt him. He simply loved him. And that spoke volumes. He lived by example. Which has to be our first priority as parents.
Which is why, like the blogger I was reading stated, kindness is not only more valued than obedience, kindness itself is obedience. We are called to be kind. If I am kind to my child, I am obeying. And that is modeling obedience.
We're still working on how this will all look in our family and how it will play out. I don't know yet what successes we'll see. But in the end, our son's behavior and choices and faith ALL have to be HIS choice. Not because he feels forced, scared he'll get in trouble, or any other such extrinsic motivator. The only way he will succeed in life (at being kind, having genuine faith, learning anything) will be because he wants to.
Dulce de Leche posted on Facebook awhile back a meme that says, "Do you have to spank her to teach her to write? Must you put him in time out for him to ride a bike? Do you need to take away privileges so that she will learn to feed herself? Of course not! So why do we believe that teaching children appropriate behavior requires punishment?" This has also really had me thinking a lot lately. Yes, punishment may make concepts learned more quickly, but will they be as effective? Will they be lessons held onto for life, with inner motivation versus the fear of messing up?
What do I really want for my child?
We are still only just beginning this journey and each new day and week brings us around a new bend on the hike of parenting. I'm so thankful I'm not on this journey alone. I've got an amazing partner-in-crime (hubby) and some great friends who are also navigating this journey and seeing where their families fit in the puzzle of parenting. One day at a time, and leaning on the Lord's guidance, we'll get there. Slowly but surely. I have faith.
Love this Adrienne! It is a blessing for us as grandparents to know that our kids take parenting seriously as they strive to do things God's way. The "puzzle of parenting" is such a great analogy. We all "work" it differently!
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