I am reading a great anthology called Unbuttoned. It is a funny book comprised of essays contributed by mothers reflecting on their breastfeeding journey.
For the past couple of weeks I've been reflecting on our own beginning.
There are parts of our breastfeeding journey, and our beginning as a whole, that I've had to mourn.
Things were not as I had hoped they would have been, as I described in Burkley's birth story.
Here is the story of our beginning.
When my little baby boy was born, he was just over five weeks premature.
While pregnant, I was excited to have my baby and pull him right up onto my chest and allow him to nurse whenever he wanted. But instead, my little guy was taken immediately away from me and down to the NICU, where he was hooked up to all sorts of tubes and wires. After several hours of visiting with family and holding my little guy it occurred to me that I would not be nursing him any time soon. My doula reminded me, "You should probably go pump." The chaos of everything kind of made me forget that I did need my milk to start coming in and since my baby was just laying there hooked up to a zillion things, he certainly was not going to be doing the job.
So, I pumped. I pumped every three hours, even through the night. I brought my little bottles of colustrum, and then milk, down to the NICU where they stored them in the fridge. When it was time for my baby to "eat," I took him in my arms and held him like I was nursing. The nurse pushed the milk through his feeding tube. We wanted him to associate feeling "full" with being held in that position and with the smell of his Mommy just a whiff away. This is how he ate for the first three days. I was told that he was not strong enough to breastfeed and right now his body needed to concentrate on breathing and living, not wasting energy on sucking and swallowing. I'm no doctor, but I can't help but wonder if he would have been fine. Maybe being next to his Mommy, skin to skin, feeding from me, was exactly what his body and brain needed. I'll never know.
By day three, the neonatalogist said we could put Burkley to the breast. I was handed a nipple shield, being told his little bitty mouth was too small to adequately draw milk and the shield would assist him in that. Having since researched how quickly nurses and lactation consultants are to hand out these shields, I also wonder if that was necessary.
He ate well. He nursed for about 30-45 minutes. However, watching the monitors he was hooked up to while he ate, was a little stressful. His heart rate would soar and his oxygen levels would drop. Maybe his body was too little to figure this thing out. We tried again later that day and he did alright. Most of his feedings, however, were still given to him through the tube. I am very happy, however, that all he was getting through that tube was my milk.
Day four, we tried for three feedings. He did great. He was getting stronger and it wasn't stressing his system as much to nurse. By day five, we just went for it. I nursed him every three hours in the NICU, each feeding taking about 30-45 minutes. I slept in a bed down the hall --the bilirubin lights were on him by day 5 and the blueish glow was giving me a migraine, so I slept in another room. During the night, the third-shift nurses would come wake me up every three hours when he fussed for food, and I'd joyfully hop out of bed to feed him. I was so happy he was nursing and I knew the more we did this, the sooner we could all go home. The neonatalogist said that if we could breastfeed for 24 hours with no complications, we could go home. 24 hours later, his bilirubin levels were raising. The jaundice was getting worse. The doctor wanted to keep him under the lights for another 24 hours. I just wanted to take my baby home. I know people who have dealt with NICU life for much longer, but 6 days was my limit. Finally, I got to take my baby home.
A week after he was home, I had to take him in to get his bilirubin levels checked. They were quite high. His pediatrician called and told me that the more Burkley eats, the faster the bilirubin will flush out of his system. So, I should probably give him formula. I remember my blood boiling and my heart racing while talking to him on the phone. Isn't breastmilk supposed to be the miracle drug? The cure-all for any infant ailment? Why was my pediatrician telling me to give him formula? What was I doing wrong that my milk was not curing this jaundice? I told the doctor that Burkley had never had a bottle. As I hoped, he backtracked, admitting that at a time when we want him to eat MORE, we should not be trying to introduce a new feeding source, in case he were to reject it. *Whew!* Now, I did not have to defy my pediatrician by not doing what he said (because that's what would have happened!), but we were on the same page. So, instead, he said to feed him every two hours. If he's asleep, wake him up. He needs to eat frequently to get rid of the jaundice, I was told. So we did. I dutifully set my alarm for every two hours, day and night, and fed the little guy. While his numbers did decrease at his follow-up appointments, the jaundice was not completely gone until he was 9 weeks old.
We breastfed well with the shield. I was told he would be ready to nurse without it once we reached his due date. I spent a few days researching how to wean from the shield and prepped myself for some difficulty. His due date came, and it was Thanksgiving. Rather than trying to mess with weaning over a holiday with lots of family in town and lots of visiting to be done, I waited another week. Then, it was time.
I started with letting him nurse for a minute or two with the shield, then I would pull it off and quickly put him back on. It worked! But, it hurt!! I was babied by the shield and had no pain that first month of nursing. Trying to get my breast tissue in shape for the sucking power of a newborn, I decided to make this a gradual process. I would nurse without the shield for the first feeding of the morning and the last feeding of the evening for a couple days. Once I got "used" to the pain, I added in a third feeding without the shield. Each day I would add one more shield-less feeding and pretty soon I just went for it and dropped it altogether. The process only took about 4-5 days, if I remember correctly. I talked to my midwife about the pain and she asked if it was just at first and if it went away once the feeding really began. I said it did. She said to just grit my teeth and bear it for that first 30 seconds or so and that eventually I wouldn't have pain at all. She was right! No creams, no ointments, no "roughing up my boobs" to prep for it, no cracks, no bleeding, none of that stuff I was warned about from friends. It was great. The pain during the first 30 seconds of each feeding was gone within a week.
But, it was long. Soon he got into a routine of 20 minutes per side, then 10, and around 3.5 months old, he was down to finishing an entire feeding within 5-6 minutes. It is now a quick, easy part of our day. He eats every two hours or so, sometimes more frequently, during the day. Since he sleeps with us, nighttime feedings are a breeze. He eats 2-3 times a night, but none of us really wake up for it.
I am so thankful that even through our rocky start with tube feedings, we are now able to easily breastfeed on demand. I have never had any supply issues and not very much pain at all besides that first week without the shield. I know some of my friends who have not had it so easy. I thank God that he has enabled me to feed my baby and strengthened my baby enough that he can eat. We help each other out with this breastfeeding relationship. When he's hungry, I feed him. When I feel too full, I put him on and he helps relieve the pressure. I don't know how long we will keep going with this, but I think I'll let him decide.
It's too easy not to. :)
And by the way- we still haven't gotten around to introducing that bottle...maybe we won't ever have to!
For the past couple of weeks I've been reflecting on our own beginning.
There are parts of our breastfeeding journey, and our beginning as a whole, that I've had to mourn.
Things were not as I had hoped they would have been, as I described in Burkley's birth story.
Here is the story of our beginning.
When my little baby boy was born, he was just over five weeks premature.
While pregnant, I was excited to have my baby and pull him right up onto my chest and allow him to nurse whenever he wanted. But instead, my little guy was taken immediately away from me and down to the NICU, where he was hooked up to all sorts of tubes and wires. After several hours of visiting with family and holding my little guy it occurred to me that I would not be nursing him any time soon. My doula reminded me, "You should probably go pump." The chaos of everything kind of made me forget that I did need my milk to start coming in and since my baby was just laying there hooked up to a zillion things, he certainly was not going to be doing the job.
So, I pumped. I pumped every three hours, even through the night. I brought my little bottles of colustrum, and then milk, down to the NICU where they stored them in the fridge. When it was time for my baby to "eat," I took him in my arms and held him like I was nursing. The nurse pushed the milk through his feeding tube. We wanted him to associate feeling "full" with being held in that position and with the smell of his Mommy just a whiff away. This is how he ate for the first three days. I was told that he was not strong enough to breastfeed and right now his body needed to concentrate on breathing and living, not wasting energy on sucking and swallowing. I'm no doctor, but I can't help but wonder if he would have been fine. Maybe being next to his Mommy, skin to skin, feeding from me, was exactly what his body and brain needed. I'll never know.
The little blue tube going into his nose was the feeding tube.
By day three, the neonatalogist said we could put Burkley to the breast. I was handed a nipple shield, being told his little bitty mouth was too small to adequately draw milk and the shield would assist him in that. Having since researched how quickly nurses and lactation consultants are to hand out these shields, I also wonder if that was necessary.
He ate well. He nursed for about 30-45 minutes. However, watching the monitors he was hooked up to while he ate, was a little stressful. His heart rate would soar and his oxygen levels would drop. Maybe his body was too little to figure this thing out. We tried again later that day and he did alright. Most of his feedings, however, were still given to him through the tube. I am very happy, however, that all he was getting through that tube was my milk.
Day four, we tried for three feedings. He did great. He was getting stronger and it wasn't stressing his system as much to nurse. By day five, we just went for it. I nursed him every three hours in the NICU, each feeding taking about 30-45 minutes. I slept in a bed down the hall --the bilirubin lights were on him by day 5 and the blueish glow was giving me a migraine, so I slept in another room. During the night, the third-shift nurses would come wake me up every three hours when he fussed for food, and I'd joyfully hop out of bed to feed him. I was so happy he was nursing and I knew the more we did this, the sooner we could all go home. The neonatalogist said that if we could breastfeed for 24 hours with no complications, we could go home. 24 hours later, his bilirubin levels were raising. The jaundice was getting worse. The doctor wanted to keep him under the lights for another 24 hours. I just wanted to take my baby home. I know people who have dealt with NICU life for much longer, but 6 days was my limit. Finally, I got to take my baby home.
A week after he was home, I had to take him in to get his bilirubin levels checked. They were quite high. His pediatrician called and told me that the more Burkley eats, the faster the bilirubin will flush out of his system. So, I should probably give him formula. I remember my blood boiling and my heart racing while talking to him on the phone. Isn't breastmilk supposed to be the miracle drug? The cure-all for any infant ailment? Why was my pediatrician telling me to give him formula? What was I doing wrong that my milk was not curing this jaundice? I told the doctor that Burkley had never had a bottle. As I hoped, he backtracked, admitting that at a time when we want him to eat MORE, we should not be trying to introduce a new feeding source, in case he were to reject it. *Whew!* Now, I did not have to defy my pediatrician by not doing what he said (because that's what would have happened!), but we were on the same page. So, instead, he said to feed him every two hours. If he's asleep, wake him up. He needs to eat frequently to get rid of the jaundice, I was told. So we did. I dutifully set my alarm for every two hours, day and night, and fed the little guy. While his numbers did decrease at his follow-up appointments, the jaundice was not completely gone until he was 9 weeks old.
We breastfed well with the shield. I was told he would be ready to nurse without it once we reached his due date. I spent a few days researching how to wean from the shield and prepped myself for some difficulty. His due date came, and it was Thanksgiving. Rather than trying to mess with weaning over a holiday with lots of family in town and lots of visiting to be done, I waited another week. Then, it was time.
I started with letting him nurse for a minute or two with the shield, then I would pull it off and quickly put him back on. It worked! But, it hurt!! I was babied by the shield and had no pain that first month of nursing. Trying to get my breast tissue in shape for the sucking power of a newborn, I decided to make this a gradual process. I would nurse without the shield for the first feeding of the morning and the last feeding of the evening for a couple days. Once I got "used" to the pain, I added in a third feeding without the shield. Each day I would add one more shield-less feeding and pretty soon I just went for it and dropped it altogether. The process only took about 4-5 days, if I remember correctly. I talked to my midwife about the pain and she asked if it was just at first and if it went away once the feeding really began. I said it did. She said to just grit my teeth and bear it for that first 30 seconds or so and that eventually I wouldn't have pain at all. She was right! No creams, no ointments, no "roughing up my boobs" to prep for it, no cracks, no bleeding, none of that stuff I was warned about from friends. It was great. The pain during the first 30 seconds of each feeding was gone within a week.
But, it was long. Soon he got into a routine of 20 minutes per side, then 10, and around 3.5 months old, he was down to finishing an entire feeding within 5-6 minutes. It is now a quick, easy part of our day. He eats every two hours or so, sometimes more frequently, during the day. Since he sleeps with us, nighttime feedings are a breeze. He eats 2-3 times a night, but none of us really wake up for it.
I am so thankful that even through our rocky start with tube feedings, we are now able to easily breastfeed on demand. I have never had any supply issues and not very much pain at all besides that first week without the shield. I know some of my friends who have not had it so easy. I thank God that he has enabled me to feed my baby and strengthened my baby enough that he can eat. We help each other out with this breastfeeding relationship. When he's hungry, I feed him. When I feel too full, I put him on and he helps relieve the pressure. I don't know how long we will keep going with this, but I think I'll let him decide.
It's too easy not to. :)
And by the way- we still haven't gotten around to introducing that bottle...maybe we won't ever have to!
Beautiful story! I love that the nurses in the NICU were so supportive and nurturing to help you still feed your baby the way you intended to. <3
ReplyDeleteDon't feel badly about doing what someone else that you trusted told you to do.
You're a wonderful mother, A - I love seeing it first hand!
Oh, my goodness... your post brought back some memories. My twins were six weeks early, and had to be tube fed, too. They were in the NICU for 12 and 21 days, respectively. The doctors and nurses all told me (and I believed them) that the boys were too weak to nurse. Gus wouldn't open his mouth wide enough for my nipple, but Jack was a champion nurser from day one. I still question whether or not that was true. There were a lot of things I accepted blindly from medical professionals that today I would question strongly.
ReplyDeleteOh, well. We learn as we live. Good for you for sticking it out, mama!