Parenting Two

Sigh.

Before I start typing, I just need to take a big ole' huge honkin' deep breath.

I love my boys. They bring me so much joy. So much laughter. So much cuteness I can hardly stand it.

But man, are they exhausting.

I've been reading a book called Parenting Your Powerful Child, which I intend to do a whole blog post on when I'm finished, and I've been learning a lot about myself. Turns out, I was a "powerful child" (imagine that!) and am now a "powerful parent." A powerful child has many characteristics, but one that shows up in both my childhood and now my parenthood is that of being a perfectionist. For many years I thought I had outgrown or overcome my perfectionistic tendencies. Little did I know that mommying would bring them back on full-strength.

I'm finding my perfectionistic tendencies showing up more and more now that I'm a parent of two. A perfectionist is not someone who is perfect, but someone who obsesses with the idea of being perfect, someone for whom failure, or the possibility of failure, is a major stressor.

Remember this sweet face?

Turns out that parenting one child is pretty easy to get right. At least when that one child is a baby. Not to say I am perfect or even think I am, but when I just had Burkley, I rarely wondered if I was doing it right or was making mistakes. I just did my best every day to be the best parent I could and guess what? It was no big deal because I could devote 100% of myself to him! I had no guilt. He received love and nurture, patient, informed, educated discipline, and all the attention he desired.

And then, I had another baby, and my perfect parent persona crumbled. Now, this could've, and likely would've, happened to any parent of a 2.5 year old whether or not another baby came into the picture. 2.5 year olds are tough stuff, man. But then, add a baby to the mix, and hoo-ee! Even a sweet, easy going, adorable baby such as this:

Sweet Baby C

 ...fast forward nine months and now that sweet little baby is constantly making a break for the stairs,

putting plastic things over his head and screaming into them because he likes the sound,

playing the piano, 

and generally being independent and way too old for his nine-month old self!

I feel like I hardly give him attention, but that's also because he doesn't seem to need much attention. He's happy to do his own thing. Yet, I have guilt!

Burkley is very demanding of my attention, and then of course there's housework to be done and the occasional moment I'd like for myself. (Ha! Right!) But, with Cadriel on the scene, I don't get much time to just play with my big boy, or read, or do "school" or make crafts. There are some times we get to do those things, but not like before.

It's all an adjustment. We're happy. Everyone's safe, taken care of, loved. But not getting the attention they once got. And C's not getting the attention B got when he was his age. And the perfectionist in me hates this. I want to do it ALL and do it ALL perfectly. But, alas, that is just not possible. And all of it makes me think I could never, ever have more than two kids. I can't imagine being split three ways, or four, or more. I know the kids would be just fine, but I don't know that I personally could handle it. Maybe someday when they're older I'll change my mind. But, lately I'm learning that perhaps for my own sanity and guilt-levels, I'm content with just two kiddos.

I also have that ongoing feeling that I'm royally screwing up two amazing kids that didn't even ask to be here, and yet here they are, allowing me to tamper with their lives. Parenting is literally an overwhelming responsibility, is it not? I can't imagine multiplying that feeling by having more kids. (Sorry to sound pessimistic, just being honest here).

I'm praying for peace about it all. Because I do know I'm doing my best and what more can I do than that?

And for pete's sake, they sure seem just fine, don't they?

Those of you with oodles of kidlets, what are your thoughts on the matter?