I've never been one to care what people think I "should" do, or what they think Burkley "should" be doing, for that matter. But as Burkley approaches the big ONE YEAR mark, I'm starting to feel a little unsure about some things.
I've always been one to proudly claim that parents should never feel bad about following their babies' lead or letting their babes just be babes. And I know our society often puts time constraints on when babies "should" eat solids, sleep through the night, wean, etc., that are way different than the worldwide norms. But lately, I've been wondering about some of the "shoulds" and I feel myself questioning what, up until now, has been my gut feeling toward things.
I guess I'm wondering about some things that I thought "should" or "would" be happening by now...
I know, deep down, that it is normal for babies, even through preschool age, to wake up during the night.
Then why do I feel like Burkley "should" be sleeping through the night by now?
I also know that babies, left to self-wean, can nurse for years.
So, why do I feel like I "should" be hiding the fact that Burkley will still be nursing past age one?
I also didn't think Burkley would still be using his paci from time to time at this point.
"Should" I take it away? He doesn't depend on it and once he's really asleep, he even reaches up and takes it out of his own mouth, and he refuses to take it anywhere other than in bed (i.e., he won't take it when we're out in the sling or in the carseat or stroller to help him go to sleep or calm down) so is it really that big of a deal?
I also feel societal pressure to give him cow's milk. I don't know why we've been raised to think ALL people "should" drink it, when it is not a necessary part of a well-balanced diet (provided one is getting those nutrients in other ways), especially when a baby is still nursing.
One question I do have in all honesty is: When "should" Burkley be offered three meals a day? Seeing as how he will eat whenever food is put in front of him, even though we're doing babyled-solids, I've had to limit what we offer him because his nursing decreased too much too fast back when we were giving him food ALL the time. Is it now safe to just let him eat whenever and not worry about how much he's nursing?
Sometimes I feel pressure from my friends about how much Burkley sleeps- "should" he be down to two big naps a day? (He now does two smallish one hour naps and one big two hour nap per day). Why does it matter as long as he's sleeping when he's tired?
Not to mention all of the developmental milestones...it's always so hard not to compare, but I *know* in my head, and even doled out this advice to other parents, every baby is different, plus, mine is a preemie. So, there have been times in his short little life where his same-aged peers were doing things that he "should" have been doing too, but lo and behold, a month later or so he would do it...rolling, crawling, pulling up, walking (well, he's nowhere close to walking yet), but you get the idea. I know he will do everything he can when his body is ready to do it.
All in all, it doesn't bother me that he still wants to nurse a couple times during the night, that he is still nursing at all (and I hope he continues for a long while yet), that he has a paci in his mouth for those first few moments of sleep, that we're opting to not give him cow's milk, or how often he naps-- none of it bothers me. So, I guess that is my answer. It doesn't matter what people think he "should" be doing. He is a healthy, happy little boy whose needs are being met and --bonus!- it doesn't really take much effort on my behalf to meet those needs.
What about you? Do you ever feel pressure about what people think your kids "should" be doing? How do you deal with it?
I've always been one to proudly claim that parents should never feel bad about following their babies' lead or letting their babes just be babes. And I know our society often puts time constraints on when babies "should" eat solids, sleep through the night, wean, etc., that are way different than the worldwide norms. But lately, I've been wondering about some of the "shoulds" and I feel myself questioning what, up until now, has been my gut feeling toward things.
I guess I'm wondering about some things that I thought "should" or "would" be happening by now...
I know, deep down, that it is normal for babies, even through preschool age, to wake up during the night.
Then why do I feel like Burkley "should" be sleeping through the night by now?
I also know that babies, left to self-wean, can nurse for years.
So, why do I feel like I "should" be hiding the fact that Burkley will still be nursing past age one?
I also didn't think Burkley would still be using his paci from time to time at this point.
"Should" I take it away? He doesn't depend on it and once he's really asleep, he even reaches up and takes it out of his own mouth, and he refuses to take it anywhere other than in bed (i.e., he won't take it when we're out in the sling or in the carseat or stroller to help him go to sleep or calm down) so is it really that big of a deal?
I also feel societal pressure to give him cow's milk. I don't know why we've been raised to think ALL people "should" drink it, when it is not a necessary part of a well-balanced diet (provided one is getting those nutrients in other ways), especially when a baby is still nursing.
One question I do have in all honesty is: When "should" Burkley be offered three meals a day? Seeing as how he will eat whenever food is put in front of him, even though we're doing babyled-solids, I've had to limit what we offer him because his nursing decreased too much too fast back when we were giving him food ALL the time. Is it now safe to just let him eat whenever and not worry about how much he's nursing?
Sometimes I feel pressure from my friends about how much Burkley sleeps- "should" he be down to two big naps a day? (He now does two smallish one hour naps and one big two hour nap per day). Why does it matter as long as he's sleeping when he's tired?
Not to mention all of the developmental milestones...it's always so hard not to compare, but I *know* in my head, and even doled out this advice to other parents, every baby is different, plus, mine is a preemie. So, there have been times in his short little life where his same-aged peers were doing things that he "should" have been doing too, but lo and behold, a month later or so he would do it...rolling, crawling, pulling up, walking (well, he's nowhere close to walking yet), but you get the idea. I know he will do everything he can when his body is ready to do it.
All in all, it doesn't bother me that he still wants to nurse a couple times during the night, that he is still nursing at all (and I hope he continues for a long while yet), that he has a paci in his mouth for those first few moments of sleep, that we're opting to not give him cow's milk, or how often he naps-- none of it bothers me. So, I guess that is my answer. It doesn't matter what people think he "should" be doing. He is a healthy, happy little boy whose needs are being met and --bonus!- it doesn't really take much effort on my behalf to meet those needs.
 | ||
| His sweet, loving personality helps me forget about anything he "should" be doing anyway. :) |
What about you? Do you ever feel pressure about what people think your kids "should" be doing? How do you deal with it?
Oh honey - you're going to deal with "shoulds" for his entire life. Keep trusting your instinct. And for what it's worth, it's *entirely normal* for a child NOT to sleep through the night and to nurse much, much longer than the age of one. In fact, I'd say it's on high end of normal (meaning kids who *don't* sleep through the night are the strange ones, and kids would ordinarily not choose to self-wean if given the opportunity to nurse past 12 months).
ReplyDeleteYou said it yourself, he's healthy and happy - that's all that really matters. He is growing, learning, and progressing at his own pace. Besides, he is way advanced in the personality department! The "shoulds" don't go away as kids get older, they just change, so be confident in yourself as a parent and know that no one knows your child better than you. You are an amazing mom!
ReplyDeleteI know when they are this little, all these 'shoulds' can come crowding in and seem all encompassing. Sit back. Think about the bigger picture. Think about you and the friends that are pressuring you. Do you ALL mirror each other? No. You are all different. You all have different sleep patterns, you all like different foods, you all eat different meals. Does it mean that you function in society any differently? No. Will you be able to tell a child who did all the 'shoulds' from the child who didn't in 10 years time? No.
ReplyDeleteLove him. Let him know he is loved. Comfort him. Allow him the space to be himself - whatever shape that will take. Will you be able to tell a child who wasn't loved and nurtured in 10 years time? Yes.
Focus on what matters. Love matters. The other stuff will find it's own way without you worrying.
Big hugs for you xoxo
Lil B is totally normal and totally cute.
ReplyDeleteAs long as he has his good looks and charm, all will be fine :-)
Also, I think sometimes we bring these feelings upon ourselves by reading too much haha!
Just follow your instincts. If YOU feel like he should be done with the paci... maybe try hiding it and see if he wants it if it is out of sight.
ReplyDeleteJust a thought. You're doing a great job, though!
Thanks for the encouragement, ladies. Leah- too funny, I think it depends on what/where we're reading. I feel like my reading tells me not to worry, and just let him be, but our culture is what makes me question that.
ReplyDeleteI'm all for letting B be B (haha, say that three times fast!) but I wanted to share some things that have crossed my mind lately. :)
Adrienne,
ReplyDeleteReading your posts is always so encouraging. Even though my child is a year older than yours, you have so much wisdom to offer. I often think of the "shoulds," especially because sleeping is not great most nights, she still nurses and she's over 2!, and so forth. Culture really puts pressures on us to do things one way. Even the "medical professionals" tell us how it "should" be. So glad we have a Father who knows all His children intimately and doesn't give us deadlines for developmental milestones and such.